{ Life Lessons–To Live The Life of A Tulip }

Tulips are funny things some times.

They start out standing tall and look so dignified with their petals all closed up tight.

You bring them home, wash them up all pretty, trim some dead weight off the bottom and give them a happy new home in a fancy vase and there they stand ready to show off all they’ve got for all to see.

Over the next few days I notice that their tall and straight demeanor seems to fall a little-sometimes I think they just need a new view of the window from where they are sitting. Other times they just seem to follow the light. But by day eight they seem to be just downright tired, barely able to keep there once colorful blooms lifted up for anyone to see, sometimes amidst a sea of other tulips who still seem to be standing tall and proud.

There are days I feel like those eight day old tulips.

I feel like my once dignified and straight and tall demeanor fades and I often feel like just holding up my petals seems like such an impossible effort. I’m sure that all that weariness has a lot to do with those late night feedings that I am currently being exposed to. I’ve been known to say that I would rather get up every two hours feeding a newborn than having to potty train a kid. Now, I’m getting to do both. There are days when I wonder if life will ever by the same again.

Will there ever be a time when my house will ever be picked up again? Clean? I think I gave up that dream a while ago, but just picked up, is that too much to ask? And some days I really wish dinner would just cook itself. I’m actually considering changing my 2 meal a day cereal limit. Cereal can’t be all that bad if consumed for a full 24hours, can it? Will life be normal again? Will we get back to a normal schedule and normal bedtimes and normal activities that don’t involve running around like crazy people from one activity to the next.

Truth be told, there are days when this mothering thing is just SO hard. There are days that all those tidying up things get combined with all the really important things like all the worries and dreams I have for and about my kids, and all the things I need to teach them, and all those overwhelming feeling of love I have for them that just can’t seem to be put into words-they just sit in my heart and grow and grow with every look at each one of my precious kids. My mind swirls with how amazing they are and if I am helping them become all they can be. Are they learning to be kind and charitable? Am I teaching them to be compassionate and loving? Are they responsible and know how to work? I look and suddenly there I was, a tired little tulip who feels like holding up those petals is a little too hard for a while.

I had one of those days. And Aaron came home to my rescue without even knowing the super hero he was being. I got to go and actually take a nap with Ethan sleeping soundly next to me on my bed. When I woke up there was a sweet little note laying on my nightstand next to my bed.

“I love you mom. Love, Erika”. It had a pretty white flower taped to the edge of it.

Will my life ever by the same?

No, I’m confident it won’t. Because I am a mom, my life has been forever changed. How grateful I am for a loving daughter that reminded me of how great that change was.

And all those other tall and good looking flowers? Well, turns out they aren’t all those others that you think have it all together. They aren’t the Jones that you are chasing down. They aren’t the cashiers at the store looking down their noses at you. They are your family. Standing tall and proud of you. Because of you. Not in spite of you. Sometimes that new normal is not being weighed down low and wilting with the weight of life. If fact what you once thought was wilting was actually  bending-bending down low in thanks for a Heavenly Father who let you feel the weight of having eight little people love you so intensely. It’s a weight I am happy I get to feel each day.

{ A Birth Story }

When you have a specific date in mind for something to happen, it’s really hard to get that date out of your mind. Feb. 26, 2014. That was the date. A date that unfortunately came and went without a second thought. A date that for 7 other people in our house was THE date. 7, not 8 because I had one little stinker of a son, Austin that thought that it would be funny (or inspired) to pick March 5 as his due date when we made our baby chain. (More about our baby chain back here when Ryan was born). We all laughed that there was no way that I was going to be a week late. I have always been on my due date or at latest two dates late. We laughed it up, and went on with our countdown to the magic day. When that magic day came and went, we were laughing less, and Austin was grinning from ear to ear. He just knew that he was going to be right.

Every morning and every day after school I was met with disappointed faces from everyone that I was still at home. Everyone was on the lookout for a “contraction face” that I may have, and would question me, “Are you having a contraction?” Their hopeful attitudes were so cute, but unfortunately making the days go very slow. I had been having contractions for the last two weeks, but they would either be strong but not consistent, or consistent and not strong. Our little guy was just very content to stay right where he was.

I had a doctor’s appointment the week before my due date and was happy to be 2cm dilated and about 70% effaced-more progress than I had ever shown in any of my other pregnancies. The doctor’s appointment the day after my due date I was at 3cm, and the doctor’s appointment on March 4, the day before Ethan was born I was 4cm dilated and 75% effaced. We all agreed a mere whiff of Pitocin was all I would need to get things started. They set my induction date for the next morning, March 5-Austin’s guess and at 41 weeks gestation.

That day at my doctor’s appointment the doctor had stripped my membranes which started contractions within the next hour. After a few hours I was sure that I just may not make it to the next morning. We decided to keep ourselves busy and go out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. A little steak and soft rolls was not enough to tempt our sweet little boy out though. He was determined to stay in as long as he was allowed.

We were to call the hospital the next morning at 4am to see if they had a free bed for me to be induced. They did, but suggested we come in at 6:30 after the shift change. Brooke had also woke up at 4am throwing up, so we decided that a little extra time might be good. We had agreed to let the kids stay home from school that day (I’m pretty sure that there would have been not a lot of concentrating by them at school anyways because they would have been so excited), with Brianna and Austin babysitting the younger kids. We headed down to the hospital at about 7am, and got checked in right away. History taken, monitors hooked up, IV in, blood taken for epidural, and epidural in by 9:00am.

I had ice chips and a popsicle and was pretty much as comfortable as I could be. They started the Pitocin at about 10:15am, and gradually upped the dosage every 15-20 minutes or so.

I was smiling as I would see those big humps on the screen showing the intense contractions I was having, but not feeling one of them. Epidurals are my saving grace. I have given birth once without one with Brooke (not by choice), and boy was it hard. At this point, I was exhausted, felt so uncomfortable, and was just ready for our healthy little boy to be here. I have no shame in using the epidural route. My one issue I have is sometimes getting a pocket on my right side that doesn’t take, getting the shakes, or sometimes throwing up. Okay, that was three issues, but they are minor enough to out way my epidural choice. Lucky for me I didn’t get the shakes or throw up this time. The epidural was working great for awhile and I was all smiles, but don’t be fooled. It quickly went from this…

…to this.

At about 12:30 the midwife who was on that would be delivering me (our doctor wasn’t on that day) came in and checked me and broke my water. I was at 7cm and after that things went very fast. A short time before she came in I was starting to have to breathe through the contractions as they would come. There is this magic little button that can administer more medicine through the epidural, and then maxes out after 3? times. In all my pregnancies I have never pushed it. I don’t know why, I guess I feel like if I push it I am being too picky and expecting the epidural to work miracles and take away all the pain. I pushed it once, but was afraid to push it too many more times because the epidural was really working great. It was taking away the pain, but I still had great mobility in my legs. I have had other times when I couldn’t move my legs at all. When my legs started getting more tingly, but the pain wasn’t going away, I figured that I would have to take 2 out 3 of the side effects not happening. I had gotten a pocket that didn’t take, and boy did it start to get painful fast.

After she broke my water, the contractions were much more painful and things moved very quickly. The midwife could tell things were moving much quicker than they had thought. Her guess earlier was that I would deliver at about 2:30pm, and Aaron’s guess was that it would take 6-7 hours-or at about 4 or 5pm. Within about ten minutes I was at 9cm, and she thought if I pushed I would be a ten. Nurses rushed around the room prepping everything for our little boy’s arrival. The midwife has said at the next contraction just push, so I did, and kept pushing, but her and Aaron and the other nurses were just kind of chatting and waiting. Aaron looked over and said, “Are you pushing? You aren’t screaming or anything, just pushing like a champ”. Inside I felt like screaming and dying a little bit. The whole birth experience with Brooke was becoming all too real again, and I pretty much was feeling everything. I guess I was happy that the epidural had gotten me to this point. A few more minutes of pushing and our son was here. At 12:55pm, Ethan Christopher Starbuck was born. He had the cord wrapped around his neck, but had still come out very quickly-he was a bit blue and his poor little face was bruised from being evicted in a much quicker manor than he would have liked. But he was here, and after a few seconds of encouragement he was screaming and letting us know that he was perfect in every way.

After they weighed him in a 8lbs. 4 ounces, Austin’s birth weight as well, we were sure that him and Austin just might be kindred spirits. His hair was even a bit lighter just like Austin’s was when he was born.

The midwife who delivered Ethan, Captain DeSantas.

    

After eight pregnancies, and eight births, I still get a little choked up when I look at these perfect little beings who get sent to us. They really are miracles in every sense of the word. His hand can barely grasp around just ones of his daddy’s fingers, yet he has a way of fully grasping our hearts in a way that will never make us the same. Just minutes old, and we are already completely in love with the little guy. 

{ Happy Valentine’s to My Sweetheart }

17 years ago today,  I said “yes” to the best question ever asked me-“Will you marry me”? So glad I said yes! I love this guy more and more each day. He puts up with all my hard to live with qualities, and still loves me all the more for them. Thank you for 17 years of LOVE! I love you sweetheart!

{ Valentine’s Letters to Our New Baby }

For Family Home Evening on Monday we talked about love, and told some stories of the prophet Joseph Fielding Smith and how he loved his family, then we wrote love letters to the new baby. The night before when Aaron said the family prayer he called the baby Ethan. All of the kids (especially Brianna) were all excited the rest of the prayer. He has been the last one to agree for sure on a name and usually just asks for the “baby” to be healthy and strong, so they were happy to have his approval, and write their little love letters to “Ethan” instead of just baby #8.

I guess we are pretty locked in with a name at this point-though Ryan and Scott still think that his name will be Jack Attack. They also think that he will come out with a cape and his arm will be up out straight like he is ready to fly into the sky. They have a little bit of super hero mania going on right now.

Ryan’s picture to the new baby

It was cute to see him color his heart (the left one) so intensely, and then the rest of his paper. He was very adamant about using “turquoise” his new favorite color I guess, and then would also grab his other colors in just the right order. He insisted that I color the other two hearts because, “I am too tired”.

 Scott’s Valentine to the new baby

He is super excited for Valentine’s Day on Friday, and even more excited that he learned how to draw a heart at preschool last week. He has been drawing hearts on every picture he has made since then (which is a lot), and after seeing Brooke cut out a heart, he insisted that he add a few to his picture too. It’s hard to see but he REALLY taped down those hearts good. He is one of my “tape thieves” around here-he really loves to tape up anything he can. He made sure that I wrote down exactly what he said on the paper too, “I love you baby. Happy Valentine’s Day”.

Abby’s letter to Ethan

Abby was a bit in a mood tonight and didn’t feel like writing too much. She made sure to tell him the most important thing she felt though-how much she loves him.

Erika’s letter to Ethan

Erika’s letter made me smile-it’s funny to see the kids different perspectives about how life is around here. She is so excited for this little guy to get here that she can hardly contain herself some days. She is going to be such a great big sister for him.

Brooke’s letter to baby Ethan

We had just read one of the hymns as part of the lesson-it was one that President Smith had wrote as a poem to his wife when he was away and feeling the loneliness and hardships she may have had to endure. Brooke decided she wanted to write a clever little poem in her Valentine’s letter to the baby too.

Austin’s letter to Ethan

Austin gets right to the point. He was the first one done, and as well had to put in his plea to the baby that he will be the “favorite” one.

Brianna’s letter to Ethan

Her letter kind of cracks me up-she is pretty confident that she will be the favorite too, and lists lots of great reasons for that. Makes me laugh!

Aaron’s letter to Ethan

My Letter to Ethan

And where is my handwritten letter? Unfortunately I got as far as Dear baby Ethan, and then was swiftly sidetracked helping the little boys with their letters and that’s about all I could muster by the end of FHE, so a typed version will have to due.
Dear Baby Ethan,
It’s hard to believe that 9 months have come and gone and it is almost time for you to be here. My heart is full this Valentine’s Day as I think of all the happiness and love you will bring to our family. It would be hard to pick who is the most excited to see you, everyone has been preparing in their own little way, and the wave of excitement hits them at different times. We wonder what you will look like, how you will act, how big you will be, and how sweet you will be to hold. We love you so much already!
I feel you kick all the time and can’t wait to see those tiny little feet in person. Your big brothers are helping me get everything ready for your arrival. They think those little diapers you will wear are as cute as I do. Ryan is very excited for you to have you new binkies that we bought you. We bought you a few new outfits and we all just squeal in delight at how little and cute they are. I know getting to see you in them will only bring more smiles on our faces.
I know since you are baby #8 that you must be patient, and one that will need lots of love. The abundance of love you will feel around here is by far the sweetest thing to see and for us to look forward to. I wonder how old you will be before you are actually put down for any period of time and not being held, there are so many arms just waiting to cuddle with you.
I hope when we bring you home you will be able to feel that love in our home, and every day after that. I hope you will grow with a strong knowledge of how much you are loved-both by us and by your Heavenly Father. I know that your sweet little spirit will bless our home everyday. I love you so much, and am so grateful to get to be your mom, and feel of your love too. We can’t wait to see you soon!!!
Love, Mom

{ A Doer or A Dreamer }

Years ago, when our house had a lot fewer feet running around on it’s dirty floors, I thought of myself very much as a “doer”. I had my To Do lists of jobs and cleaning and organizing, my mental list of creative projects, my scrapbooking lists of all those out–of–this-world pages I was making, and I had my family to do list that consisted of outings and vacations, and this and that’s all over town.

As our family grew, my “to dos” grew too, but unfortunately my time seemed to stay the same. All my to-doing became a lot of dreaming instead. My mind would wander with the most fabulous ideas for decorating my house, or making this “thing” that would help things be so much smoother around here, or the best vacation ever we should take. My frustration would grow as my dreamer list would become much longer than even my to do list and certainly longer than my “Done” list. I felt like if I mentioned my dream list to anyone and than didn’t accomplish a single thing than I would be seen as a flake or one who has great ideas, but not a lot of follow through. Man, do I sure envy those follow through kind of people.

As I sat down more than a half a dozen times this summer to work on this forever behind blog of mine (which in on my dream list), I would have a little toddler climb up on my lap and want to help me by happily pounding on the keys. Then I would hear frantic cries of laughter from the door from dripping wet kids who were in need of a towel because they were drenched from the sprinklers out back. Kids would ask to snuggle for a nap, and I would give in. Neighbor kids popped in and out, snacks were consumed by the handfuls, nights were spent way past bed time talking with my older two or being conned into joining someone for “just one more episode’ of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Those amazing minutes of joy added all together, resulted once again in a large hole in this family blog of mine. This time though, I have realized that the things I might have wished were done on my “to do” list were neglected because I was living the dream. I was in fact doing so much DOING that my dreams were being fulfilled. I had failed to see before that those little things should have always been on my “to do” list. Were there vacations that I still dream about that go untaken? Sure. I still love to dream, and I want our family to have some amazing experiences together in this life. Are there projects that I would love to get to? Always! But, for now I look back at the last few years on this blog and see those big gaping holes smiling back at me reminding me of how much fun I have had in the doing of those things that have been the most important. I see my kids getting to experience me. To be with me, and me with them. What’s a better dream than that.

One of my favorite movies is “Cheaper By the Dozen”, and I love a quote in it at the end. Steve Martin’s character comes to tell his boss that he is resigning as their head coach, to take a job that allows him more time at home with his family. His boss makes the comment, ”Giving up the dream, huh?” to which Steve replies, “No. Just going with a different one.”

Someday I’ll get to that pesky to do list of mine, and along with many other things, I will actually get to write down all these great doings I have got to experience so we can remember them forever. Until then, I have a few more days with my kids before I have to give them back to school-so I am going to relish this time I have in my doing.

{ My New Year’s Words to Live By }

I taught a lesson in Relief Society on Sunday and in it I used my quote for the year to help explain a point. I realized that I had never officially written it down anywhere, so it hopes of making it a little more real for myself I wanted to jot down a few thoughts I am having.

LIVE YOUR LIFE

I have never really picked a word or quote for the year. Goals-but not words. As the end of the year approached, I was thinking a lot about what I wanted out of this next year. A lot had changed since that time last year. I felt like I had a lot of new things going for me, and a lot of new opportunities to grow and learn. Lots of new makes me feel optimistic-like there’s a clean slate of sorts in front of me. I felt like the time for me to do things was now.

I don’t know if you have even felt like this-but as a parent I would often tell myself when I wasn’t being the best parent I could, “Okay, that was not the best response. Maybe my kids are too young they won’t remember this. Maybe there is still time to be a “great” parent, and they will remember that instead of this.” I discovered that those years are past. My window of opportunity is past-for most of my kids that is. Let’s see… my earliest memory in life is about age 4 or 5..okay, yes almost all of my kids. My dreams of being that great mom have to be NOW (hopefully they have already been a little).

It’s not that I think I will always choose the right words to say to my kids, or always respond in the most patient loving way-I’m striving to but I’m not there for sure. I guess I just wondered in 10 or 15 years from now, when my kids would be asked what their mom was like what they would say. I’ve heard other’s describe their moms, and I could tell pretty quickly from their tone what kind of mom they remembered.

She was a yeller.

She was always serving.

She was always there to talk.

She was adventurous.

She was an athlete.

She was so impatient.

She was a dreamer.

Those comments from others about their moms really stood out to me. I wondered what thoughts my own kids had about me. I worried that the things that would stand out in their minds would be:

My mom is always pregnant.

My mom is always tired.

My mom always has to have a nap.

My mom never cooks good meals we like.

Okay, I am seeing a theme here. I am always tired, pregnant, and need naps. (And no I am not now-well maybe the nap part) Kind of funny when I actually write it down. I was just so worried that the occasional life circumstances-like bearing children and all those tired times would place me in the bummer list of moms. I can’t tell you how many times my kids asked to go swimming at the pool or have friends over and I was just too tired or sick from being pregnant or just having a baby. I didn’t want my kids to feel like they were missing out on things because “We all have to sacrifice because mom doesn’t feel good” . My words, not theirs. Which sacrifice is not a bad thing for sure, they need enough of it to stay humble.

Luckily, I feel like I have been blessed with children who rise above myself, and are able to worry about and focus on less petty things than I. I know it because I hear their excitement when they remember something fun we did together as a family, or when they talk to me about things that are important to them. I know that they see the joy in families I have always wanted them to see when they notice someone at church or in town with a new little baby and ALL my kids look at me and coo and say how cute that baby is. They all get it. They don’t focus on how tired mom is ( I DO LOVE MY NAPTIME), or things they may miss out on. They just focus on us. They focus on the little everyday things that bring kids joy. They fill their days with playing, and having fun, and being a kid. I am all about responsibility (our new work system post to come), but I am about my kids being kids too. Life often comes to much, too fast, and we look back wondering where those precious years of childhood went. I want their life brimming with joy, that it carries over into the times that those life experiences and challenges will come.

This is where my quote comes in. I wondered to myself-more like pondered many day, weeks, months about what my role was in this. Was I being the mom I wanted? Was I being the mom they wanted? Was I being the mom my Father in Heaven wanted? And in striving to do this, was I really living MY life or was I living the way I thought I should be. Not the “way I should be” in a good way like how we should always strive to be better, but the “way I should be” because that’s how someone should –based on the world’s views. It sounds a lot more confusing on paper than in my mind. I wanted to make sure that I was being the best person for myself, and my husband, and my kids because that’s what I wanted, and we wanted, and that’s what would make me be better-not because I was trying to keep up with the Jones’ so to say.

I felt like this was a year to really reflect on the way I wanted to mother. I have often felt guilt for not volunteering enough at the kids school, or not writing little notes everyday in their lunches, or planning and taking the best vacations, or waking up cheerful everyday so my kids could start the day with a happy attitude. The list could surely go on and on. The truth is all that precious energy was spent worrying instead of DOING.

My quote was meant to be a reminder to me-one that I could say to myself everyday:

“Monae, today life YOUR life. Not the neighbors, not your best friends, not the lady at schools’, not so and so from church. Just yours.”

My mind and heart are so full of things I want for my own family. Experiences I want them to have (the theme from my Sunday lesson that this quote reinforced-I’ll have to write down sometime soon). Feelings of love they can securely feel within the walls of this home. Activities and family fun that bring such joyful memories that will overshadow the less meaningful “tired mom” ones. I am confident as I live MY life for them and with them that as they grow older their memories of me will be something like this:

My mom gave the best hugs.

My mom is so creative. She planned the funnest activities for us.

My mom served us.

My mom was funny. She laughed with us.

My mom was a dreamer. Not always a doer-but she loved to dream up great things.

My mom was tough. She worked so hard.

My mom wrote me notes sometimes and put them in my lunchbox. I saved them in the top zipper because they meant so much.

My mom supported me at my games.

My mom let us always have Family Home Evening.

My mom loved taking pictures.

My mom loved us.

My list of things to do this year have some of the same things as in years past, but they also have some new ones too. Ones that will hopefully bring a little more me into the equation. Ones that will show my kids who I am, and by so doing will show them who they are. I hope that my old self and all it’s time spent worrying will be put to the doing. Doing things to better

 LIVE MY LIFE.

Note to self: As I was just reading over this proofreading, Erika came up to me and said,”Mom, you have to come take a picture of this! We made the coolest thing”. I grabbed my camera and smiled inside that taking a picture was her first response. I took a picture of their fort they made by the front door out of umbrellas and blankets. Their bookfair books and stuffed animals were lined up by their pillows, ready for some fun.

Then Scott comes to me and announces that he will be going to the restroom, and Abby comments, “Good job! You can put a sticker on your goal chart when you’re done”.

They get it. Fancy foyers are for play in this home. We support each other in worthwhile goals, no matter how small they may seem. Cameras are for preserving memories of fun and important things. Living MY life seems pretty good right now.

{ Baking Pies }

I consider myself much more of a “baker” than a “chef”. I enjoy making cookies, cakes, treats, and now pies with my kids. My mom taught me how to make this kind of lattice top pie as a child. I am sure she made her pie crust from scratch, but a premade Pillsbury one is just fine for me. Add come canned cherry pie filling and it is delicious enough to satisfy my sweet tooth.

{ Day 12-Thankful For Freedom}

With a husband in the military, it goes without saying that we are reminded on a daily basis what the cost of freedom is. With one deployment behind us, we know first hand the toll it can take on a family, but there are times when I wonder do we truly know the cost? My mind is brought back hundreds of years to a time and place where events unfolded to make a day we now celebrate.

How joyful that first Thanksgiving must have been. With nothing more than true faith, families left on boats they hoped would be able to carry them to a place they had only heard of. The destination may have been somewhat vague, but their purpose was not. The freedom they longed for, was within reach, and I imagine each day as they prayed that desire burned more brightly within each of them. Freedom from oppression, and freedom to pray and worship to a God they knew was hearing their prayers.

How hard that must have been, to travel in unknown territory, leaving the only place they had ever known as home, in search of a better. They knew about cost. The travel was treacherous, the food meager, accommodations anything but luxurious-yet in faith and hope they pressed on. I can only imagine the joy that must have filled their hearts when someone from up deck yelled the words they had waited months to hear. Land..We see land!!

I am sure the excitement soon passed in the coming weeks as the harsh reality of daily life set in. Would a life be able to be made? That same God that had so graciously led them to freedom, would surely not forsake them now. Hard work and valuable friendships with natives proved to be only the beginning.

As they bowed their heads with the utmost reverence that first Thanksgiving, I am sure they knew what the cost was. I am sure their prayers were more than merely trite recitings of their blessings..”Thanks for our home, our family, all our many blessings..” They had felt in their hearts the blessings poured out upon them through the hardest of times. They had felt the blessings of being able to build a new life..a free life. How blessed we are to celebrate that too.

{ Day 9-Thankful For Feeling Loved }

I have noticed that the times that little Ryan is the happiest is when he is cuddled up warm in a blanket and held tight and safe in our arms. The last two Sunday’s Ryan has been so good as he was passed from person to person all during sacrament meeting, and then slept all through the rest of church in my arms.  He hasn’t woke up to eat the whole three hours, he just lays peacefully in my arms and rests.

I was thinking of times in my life when I have felt the most peacefully and safe. The times my parents have encouraged and unconditionally loved me. Reminiscing and talking with siblings. The patient loving moments my husband and I have shared together. The one on one times with my children. The fun laughter with friends. At times when I feel the most alone or sad, are the times I think that my priorities have somehow gotten off coarse and I have strayed from those relationships that help me feel the most loved.

There will be times when Ryan is sad and we will give him his pacifier to calm him. It may work for a while, but if his needs aren’t being met, it won’t last long. He will continue to spit it out until he gets fed or his diaper changed or just gets held close. I wonder if there are times when I try to be pacified with things that really won’t meet my needs. They may work for a while, but in the end, it’s those close relationships with our Heavenly Father, our family, and our friends that help us feel safe and loved. I am so thankful for those who show me that love and help me to feel that calm peace in my life.

{ Self Portrait Sunday }

Okay, so I am NOT really starting a self-portrait Sunday, but that is the only day lately that I seem to actually be in something more than sweat pants and flip flops. I was looking through the pictures since we went digital three years ago, and of the thousands of pictures we’ve taken, there are less than a dozen of me! How sad is that? I am usually behind the camera, and my automatic reaction when someone points the camera at me it to turn away.

On one of the shelves above our couch I have a picture of my mom holding Erika on the swing when she was younger. It’s one of my favorite pictures, and even though it’s five years old, I don’t think it will ever be one of the ones I will replace. I treasure the pictures I have of my own mother, and it makes me a little sad that my own kids have so few of me. I’ve decided to let my kids take more pictures of me, and enjoy what I look like in my 30’s. I’m sure when I am 90 and a little more wrinkly, I’ll wish I had more pictures when I was younger.=)

So for now, just humor me, and know these are for posterity sake. And aren’t you proud of me, no one else in the picture with me-I’m trying to shed my fear-of-picture-aloneness. That and Scott had fallen asleep in the car on the way home from church and there was really no other willing soul.

{ Life At 33 }

The month of November brings me birthday wishes, and a chance to reflect on what my life is like at 33. There are days when I feel so old-I can hear my body creak as I get in bed at night, I am so tired, and I look around at my 7 kids and think, “I must be old, I have 7 kids!” There are other days when I just feel so young. How in the world can I have 7 kids?! I feel like I just left for college, and now I have a houseful of kids that before I know it will all be in college. Then there are all the other days of the year, when I just feel…..CONTENT. Absolutely content at where I am in life. I love being 33. Some say they loved being in their 20’s-as much joy as those days brought me, I would never want to go back to being 23. And I am sure in another 10 years when I am 43, I will be just as happy where and who I am then. I am so blessed, and love all that life has dished out for me.

Here are  {33} things about me and my life right now…

1. I have 7 kids! Wow! Since I have already repeated that 3 times in this post, you can tell my own amazement at that statement some days. Such a blessing!

2. I love that I get to stay home and raise my kids. A much harder job than I ever thought it would be, but SOOOO much more rewarding than I ever could have imagined.

3. I am totally a night owl, not a early bird.

4. I love the chance to ponder. It is one of the most underutilized tools for growth and learning we have, and I wish I sometimes took more time to do it. I like to drive in the car and jam out to music as much as the next person, but I really do love to just drive so I can think. Not always possible with little kids in the car, but something I love to do nonetheless.

5. I do not love to cook. I wish I could say I do, but if I had a choice, I would gladly let someone else do the cooking at our house. I do like to bake things at holidays with my kids, but day to day meal cooking I would pass on.

6. I like to fold laundry. I love to have the laundry folded right out of the dryer so I don’t have to iron very often. I stand next to the dryer, fold, and stack right on top for my kids to come and get their piles. I love seeing neat stacks of clean clothes covering the top of my washer and dryer.

7. I love to organize. I love to have things in order, and know that everything in my house has a place to go.

8. I like to vacuum. Instant gratification. Now it’s dirty, now it’s clean.

9. I like to mow the lawn. Same concept as #8, just the outside version.

10. I love to read decorating magazines. I have been known to keep around way to many magazines, and have cut down that pile-I rip out the pages with decorating ideas I like, and pitch the rest. I love to curl up with a stack of old magazines and look for “new” ideas. I always like to look at old magazines with new eyes as my tastes change.

11. I love photography! I love to read about it, try out new things as I learn more, and have pretty pictures of my family around me.

12. I love my bed. A couple years ago Santa brought Aaron and I new “nice” sheets. (There really is a difference) And last year for my birthday I got a new down comforter and duvet cover. I love feeling cozy and warm in my soft bed. Love, love, love! So do all my kids. They are always begging to sleep in our bed.

13. My favorite go-to movie when I get down is “Cheaper by the dozen”. I don’t know why, but I love the fun chaos that exists there in that home. It helps me embrace our own chaos, and love every minute of it. I actually just watched it two days ago. I love the last lines, and find them true for us as well. “When we left Midland (we live in Midland too, so funny) we had a mess of theories on how to raise kids. We still have a mess of kids, but no theories. 12 7 is still our number. It’s the number of months years my book stayed on the best sellers list, we’ve lived here. It’s the number of job offers Tom gave up until he found one close to home, of years Aaron had to go to school after college to have a job that allows him to be with us at home a lot, and it’s the number of times a day I am grateful there is such a thing as family.” Ah, love it!

14. Walking is my choice of exercise. I do like doing a step workout once in a while, but a nice brisk walk is great for me.

15. I love waking up to a nice clean house. I try to pick up the house every night before going to bed, so I can wake up to a fresh start. Aaron and the kids were so good to me today. I didn’t sleep too well last night because I was up with Ryan, and tried to sleep in this morning. Aaron took the kids horse back riding and allowed me to rest for a while. I dreaded even coming out of my room to start my day because the house didn’t get picked up last night. I knew the disaster that awaited me in the front room. I walked out and they had cleaned everything!!! Ah, a late birthday present for sure.

16. I love traditions. From holidays to everyday routines. I love the consistent nature of the day to day ones like family prayer and scripture reading, family dinners together, and our new one of singing a song to baby Ryan every night together as a family. And I love the new exciting ones that fill our holiday time with joy, laughter, and childlike magic. The most memorable times from childhood I have are from the traditions we carried out through the years. I love to know my kids will have some of those same great memories too.

17. I love chocolate. Favorite candy bar Tomberone or 3 Musketeer bar.

18. I love that Aaron kisses me before he goes to work,even when I am still asleep in bed.

19. My new mantra this last year had been to “Simplify”. I love the idea of paring down the excess in our lives. I think I need to do a post soon just about simplifying.

20. I am a registered and voting Republican, and proud to be a conservative.

21. I love wood floors.

22. My new favorite color is orange. It’s the new red for me. Maybe because it is so abundant this time of year, but I just love it. I love all my new orange fall decorations and I am loving a new orange coat I saw at Old Navy. Me, orange-who would have thought.

23. I am not a big cell phone user. I have a prepaid one I use once in a while or for emergencies. I am not sure I will ever convert. I guess I just don’t have enough friends that I need to have one by me all the time=)

24. I love to read blogs. Lately, I nurse while I surf. I have realized what a time suck this could be (okay, I just reread that-no pun intended). There is just so much out there. Decorating/crafting blogs are my new favorites.

25. I am so scared of mice. I don’t mind spiders or any bugs for that matter, but mice-EEEEEWW. We have had a couple of mouse friends in our house before-they came in under the unfinished part of our Jacuzzi tub-thank you bug sprayer guy for informing us of this. I was so scared that more would find their way into our house that I would kneel on the bed instead of the floor to say my prayers at night. Aaron still thinks it’s funny when I do this.

26. Even though we live in Georgia, and it was 75 degrees today, I still love having a fire in the fireplace in the fall and winter. It just creates that warm homey atmosphere. Top it off with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows, a family movie, warm blankets on the couch, and I am in family fun heaven.

27. I would much rather shop and buy things for Aaron or my kids than myself. The kids kept hounding me for ideas for my birthday. I asked Aaron if I could just buy them all something instead, so unofficially I bought them all new bedding instead of presents for me for my birthday. I did get a new camera battery for my camera, thank you guys!!!Austin came up with that idea, after I was taking pictures of Ryan the other day. I had already spent a couple hours of trying to feed him, calm him, take a picture of him, to have him wake up restless again. I finally got him calm, and my battery in my camera was dead. My super observant son remembered this and suggested to buy me another battery so I always have a backup. That is one great kid.=)

28. I love being creative.

29. I love to make plans for our new house. I love looking at inspiration pictures online, taking out our blueprints and tweaking them, and driving by “our” lot hoping no one has bought it yet. Someday. Patience is a virtue, that’s what I keep telling myself. =) All the planning is so much of the fun, not just the end result.

30. I love to watch the Mormon Messages on lds.org. The one by Elder Holland called “Good things to come” is my favorite. Whenever I am having a tough day I pull that up and watch it. It is so calming, and his sweet testimony just speaks to me. I love listening to the Apostles. What a blessing to be able to do that at the touch of a button.

31. I love a good nap.

32. I love that 7 little people call me mommy.

33. I love that one very patient man loves me so much. After 13 years of marriage, I love our 33 and 37 selves so much more than our 19 and 23 year old selves. There is something about growing old and older together that is amazing. I have loved this journey called life. All 33 years of it. I can’t wait to see what this next year will bring.

{ To Do List }

I am a “To do “ list girl. Not all the time, and really more times than not it’s a mental list than one actually written down, but it’s a list non the less. With the approach of every baby, my to do list gets a little longer and more intense-call it nesting, call it anxiety, call it whatever, but I always want to feel prepared when this brand new little life finally makes it’s appearance.

I busily work on my list thinking, “Maybe tomorrow he will come-I’ll for sure be ready”. Then tomorrow comes and he still isn’t here and I am silently grateful for one more day to accomplish more things on my list. It’s one of those little tender mercies from the Lord, and I so thankful for it. With this baby, I have been ready to not be pregnant, but really haven’t been that anxious-I know by the 7th that I am a “due dater” so I don’t even get my hopes up for en early baby. Maybe I am just secretly scared at how hard this is going to be with 7 kids-that reality I don’t think has sunk in just yet. Anyways, here is my to do list that I have been working on the last few weeks. It makes me feel peaceful to know that much of it has been marked off, and now when little baby#7 arrives I can completely relax! I can’t wait!

• Big grocery shopping  DONE
• Find, order, and receive baby blessing outfit DONE
• Set up people to watch kids when baby comes DONE
• Buy outfit for baby to come home from the hospital in DONE
• Wash all baby clothes from the bin DONE
• Wash bouncy seat cover DONE
• Wash cover for baby car seat DONE
• Pay off Aaron’s car (yea!) DONE
• Pay all other bills DONE
• Get oil changed in the van DONE
• Find babysitter for last OB appointment DONE
• Get house cleaned DONE
• Wash slipcovers for rocking chair in Scott’s room DONE
• Decorate the house for fall (fun pictures to come)  DONE
• Sew the girls witch costumes DONE
• Find on Ebay costume for Scott DONE
• Rotate kids fall and summer clothes from the bins DONE
• Buy fabric to take newborn pictures of baby for Halloween DONE
• Take maternity pictures DONE
• Catch up on blogging DONE
• Plan out baby announcements (I can’t wait to share! I love this idea, I hope baby cooperates for the pictures) DONE
• Plan and do last Activity Days activity before I have baby DONE
• Buy Erika’s birthday gifts for her birthday on the 24th DONE
• Buy cute plates and napkins for Erika’s birthday DONE
• Buy cake/frosting for her cake DONE
• Wrap her presents
• Get baby gift for brother’s new baby DONE
• Mail baby gift
• Clean carpet in front room
• Get baby gift for kids from the baby DONE
• Wrap that gift
• Have Aaron help me get Port a crib/bassinet down from the attic
• Pack bag for the hospital

{ Differences and Similarities Between My First Baby and Baby #7 }

It has been fun as I have gone through this pregnancy to think about how different this pregnancy is compared to when I was pregnant with my very first baby over 12 years ago. It’s amazing how life and times have changed since then. Here are some of the fun differences and a few similarities from then and now:

Then	Now
1. I was having a girl.	1. We are having a boy.
2. I was due in the summer.	2. I am due in the fall.
3. I was a student at BYU.	3. I help four other students at home to get to school.
4. I worked at the BYU Laundry Services.	4. I am the “laundry service” around here.
5. Aaron was going to school and dreamed of being a doctor.	5. Now he is our dream doctor =).
6. We had been married almost exactly 13 1/2 months.	6. We have been married almost exactly 13 1/2 years.
7. I was really sick at the beginning of my pregnancy.	7. I was really sick at the beginning of my pregnancy.
8. I craved big soft pretzels.	8. I have craved IHOP Viva la French Toast with scrambled eggs, and peanut butter sandwiches with a tall glass of cold skim milk.
9. I gained 25lbs in my pregnancy.	9. I have gained more than 25lbs in this pregnancy=) I am totally chalking that up to it being a  boy. I have always  gained a lot more with my boys than with my girls.
10. After being sick, a very easy pregnancy.	10. After being sick, very easy as well. Had restless leg syndrome and was anemic, just like my other boy pregnancies.
11. I read my pregnancy book religiously everyday, sometimes more than once a day.	11. I have only cracked open my pregnancy book a couple times throughout  this whole pregnancy.
12. I made a long list of things I “needed” for the baby. I went to second hand baby stores and saved my pennies to buy all of it. I was very by the book-if it said 8 receiving blankets, than we must “need” 8. What for, I don’t know, but we must need them=).	12. I pulled out my boys bin of clothes and had everything I needed already from when Scott was born. I have learned we need WAY less than those books recommend. Lots of diapers, onesies, burp cloths, and easy to close (either zipper or nightgown type) pajamas for the first little while.
13. Our favorite baby accessory was probably her stroller. At nights she wouldn’t calm down unless we took her for a walk around the Provo Temple.	13. Favorite baby accessory hands down is the Baby Bjorn. I wish I would have known about it when Brianna was born. Such a life saver!
14. My parents bought us a bouncy seat for her to sit in during the day.	14. We are on our 4th bouncy seat so far. He will probably not sit in it much the first few weeks because he will be in everyone's arms all day.
15. We had to trade cars with Aaron’s sister for a year because we only had a two seater Honda CRX, and we didn’t all fit in it.	15. We have a Honda Odyssey (we love our Honda’s) that seats 8, and will still don’t all fit in it. We will have to double buckle someone if we ever all go somewhere together. Most times we end up driving separate anyways and Aaron meets us somewhere from work.
16. I had a baby shower that my sister-in-law threw for me.	16. No shower.
17. I had all the baby clothes washed, organized, and hung up in our wardrobe a least a month before she was born.	17. I have all the baby clothes washed and in the baskets above Scott’s dresser with a week to spare.
18. I was busy sewing all of Brianna’s baby bedding-bumper pad and crib skirt.	18. We have since ditched the bed skirt and bumper pad concept. I am busy sewing witch costumes for Halloween for four little girls.
19. We had her name picked out months before.	19. We have had a name picked out for about one month and are 99% sure it’s the one we’ll use.
20. I was pregnant at the same time as my sister-in-law. We were having a girl, they were having a boy. They were born one week apart.	20. Pregnant at the same time as a different sister-in-law. We are having a boy, they are having a girl. They will be almost exactly 1 month apart.
21. I had no idea what a contraction felt like.	21. I have felt more than my fair share of contractions, and I am actually hoping I am late so I can be induced. 1. Epidural 2. Pitocin, 3.Baby born 4. No contractions ever felt. I like that plan.
22. Aaron and I took a prenatal class and a breathing class before the baby was born.	22. No classes this time.
23. When someone asked if I was getting an epidural I was open to going natural. “I’ll just see how it goes”.	23. I will definitely be getting an epidural this time. I have gone “natural” once and that was enough for me.
24. I had Brianna the day before her due date.	24. ? Hopefully soon!
25. Regular vaginal birth.	25. 5th time VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).
26. My labor was about 8 hours.	26. ? Probably very similar.
27. She was the first grandchild on my side, and the third grandchild on Aaron’s side.	27. He will be the 13th grandchild on my side, and the 18th on Aaron’s side.
28. Didn’t have to call anyone when I was in labor.	28. Have to arrange a babysitter to watch the other kids when we go to the hospital. I always hate to call someone in the middle of the night!
29. My mom came to help a couple days after Brianna was born.	29. Family will come one month after the baby is born.
30. When Brianna was born we had a big sign on our door to let all our neighbors know she was here.	30. No sign, no balloons, just six other kids who will tell all the neighbor kids, school teachers, ward members, and friends that he is here.
31. Grandma Bonnie (my mom) gave us Brianna’s baby blessing dress for a gift.	31. I found online, ordered, and had delivered to my door the new baby’s blessing outfit.
32. We blessed Brianna when she was 3 weeks old.	32. We will bless this baby when he is about 5 weeks old.
33. We had a one bedroom apartment and Brianna slept with us in our small room.	33. We have a four bedroom house and the baby will still be sleeping with us in our room. Some things never change, I guess.=)
34. She was very loved, and had us to hold her day or night	34. He is already very loved and will have 8 people to hold him day or night.

{ I’ve Missed You Feet… }

We are nearing an end here and are so excited! I finally got around to taking some self portraits of this pregnant belly. I know someday I will look back and be a little sad and miss this ever growing tummy, but for now, I am very ready to get to hold this cute little boy in my arms instead.

Just one more.. and in black and white for good measure.

Hopefully the next picture you see of me here will be holding a sweet little boy.

{ Summer With a Pregnant Mom }

Going through a summer with a pregnant mom is tough! I think all my kids should win “Kid of the year” award for enduring it so well. We had record breaking temperatures this summer which didn’t help. Anything outside, including a day at the pool seemed out of the question for me. I got drained so quickly, and having a fainting mom at the pool didn’t seem like the best idea to me. The kids spent most of their days playing on the trampoline with the sprinkler for hours at a time. They were such good sports and didn’t complain too much. We started out the summer with our summer points fun, but by mid July, I was too tired to actually keep up with who had earned what. Erika came to me one day and said, “So basically we don’t really do summer points anymore right?” Good catch kid. Instead, I would happily let them watch TV in the morning while I slept in if they would take care of Scott. A great little trade I think.

Don’t worry kids, there will actually come a day when your mom isn’t always pregnant, has an overabundance of energy, plans all kinds of fun activities to do, rides bikes with you, takes you to the pool all the time, and doesn’t constantly say to be quiet so she can take a nap. Someday kids..someday. Until then, I feel very lucky to have kids who see the vision and can’t wait for the “little brother who is making mommy tired” to join our family. Only a few more months guys!

{ A Forgotten Picture }

I did actually have a picture taken of myself on Mother’s Day. It somehow didn’t make it in the original post. Enjoy-they are few and far between!

{ Mother’s Day }

I love the way my kids and husband always spoil me on Mother’s Day. Homemade cards and gifts, flowers from Aaron, a meal I don’t have to make, and letting me take pictures of all my cute kids. I love being a mother. I don’t think I ever realized how much work it would be, and more important how much joy I would have. There’s something about looking into the eyes of these sweet little people that makes you feel like you’ve died and gone to heaven. They are so precious and I love them dearly.Thanks family for letting me feel the joy of being your mother. I love you!

Brianna 11 years

Austin 10 years

Brooke 7 years 

Erika 5 years

Abby 4 years

Scott 17 Months

          

Aaron 37 Years.

Man, I love this guy!!